The Pursuit of Perfection
- Jacob Somers
- Nov 19, 2025
- 4 min read
“We don’t want to become what we are. We want to become a concept, a fantasy, what we should be like. Sometimes we have what people always call the ideal, what I call the curse, to be perfect, and then nothing we do gives us satisfaction.” -Fritz Perls
Our hunger for a perfect outcome, perfect life, and perfect self is the anchor that prevents us from sailing to greater shores. Perfectionism is born out of false over-budgeted ideals, which nurture shame which at its root is a fear of disconnection with person(s) around us. With these high-cost requirements, we over-extend ourselves to reach or 'turtle' into our armor to prevent ourselves from getting hurt by our expectations and failures. In either situation, we will recluse to either avoid or prevent the pain of rejection through hiding or overworking respectively. This will massacre our ability to connect with others, making our fears of disconnection a reality.
Perfectionism, Idealism, and Shame
Perfectionism is the unreasonable striving towards getting something or things unquestionably right, whereas idealism is the pursuit of unrealistic standards or ideals. Lastly, shame is the fear of losing our connection with a person or persons. We use these concepts to attempt to strive higher than others, and in turn, compare ourselves to everyone. As Brené Brown said, “Perfectionism is the twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.” With the use of the self-defeating ambition that perfectionism is we will stay tortured by our 'shoulds'.1
As Brené Brown said, “Perfectionism is the twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.”
When perfectionism is driving our life, idealism is what fills the tank while shame is the shotgun driver telling us how we should be better. When we are working towards our false, unrealistic ideals through perfectionism we are saying, 'If I do things perfectly in life then I’ll evade disconnection (criticism, blame, and ridicule). Our perfectionism is a result of our fear of disconnection, and our strive for these ideals that we 'should be' is to protect us from rejection. This defective armor drives us away from others and this fear of disconnection begins to kill our connections.2
How We 'Should' Ourselves to Death
When we are striving for our ideals we work to 'should ourselves to death' by underbudgetting our own capabilities and overbudgetting our resources. Shame shows its head in perfectionism when we fail at a task and begin thinking that this 'should' have been easier, cheaper, or faster. For us to sustain worth, we must remain superior to others within the same field or with the same task. While perfectionism remains a twenty-ton shield to protect us from the rejection and disconnection that others can provide it, in turn, shields us from being seen by others as we shine.3
When we spend so much of our time and life should we 'shelve' our wants and passions in favor of hiding within our armor. Passion is a crucial part of human connection that draws us with like tastes to each other. Additionally, it sparks interest in those who otherwise were unintrigued. We also decrease our own satisfaction with our abilities when they are passionless, leading them to be underperformed. This will only serve to prove our 'shoulding' right in advocating for our failure of a task to be a failure of character.4
Going from Fixed to Growth Thinking
If perfectionism, idealism, and shame are weapons to our growth disguised as armor, what do we do? When the defective armor tells us we 'should' be the best, or else, what can we do? We can reframe the wording so that it encourages healthy striving and growth, such as, "I want to be the best version of me". In the words of Dr. Prem Jagyasi, "The only person you should compete with is the person you were yesterday." To face our fear of disconnection and prevent the 'shoulding' ourselves to death, we work to become vulnerable and become comfortable with the discomfort in failure. Resist the urge to 'turtle' and go into your defective armor through defensiveness, anger, self-sabotage, or self-hatred. Instead face failures with pride, for it is failure that is the tuition we pay for our successes (Craig Groeschel). We work to move our energy from a fixed mindset of forcing ourselves to be perfect towards allowing ourselves to grow.5
Whether we are ‘shoulding’ ourselves to death, evading our growth and connections from within our defective turtle shell, or managing our shame through a guise of perfection we are holding ourselves back. We cannot grow from within a fixed, black-and-white mindset. For change to take place, we must not underbudget ourselves, nor expect ourselves to succeed and instead be a sponge for our growth. Willing to absorb the greatness in the world without imitating it. Allow ourselves to be imitations of our own greatness within the image of those that we have learned in from. This looks like allowing yourself to fail, and learn by being inspired without comparing yourself to others.
be human—messy, imperfect, and real
Letting go of perfectionism is about finally allowing ourselves to be human—messy, imperfect, and real. It’s about recognizing that our worth isn’t in getting everything right but in showing up as we are. In this journey, cultivating awareness and staying present become our greatest allies, guiding us to live fully in each moment. When we stop chasing impossible standards, we give ourselves the freedom to grow, connect, and truly enjoy life. By embracing our flaws and letting go of the need to be perfect, we open the door to deeper connections and richer experiences, finding a sense of peace in just being ourselves.
1 https://www.healthcentral.com/article/anxiety-over-not-being-perfect-why-some-of-us-crave-perfection
3 https//www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7yYFHyvweE’
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